Feeling a Little Blue.

5 Aug

Today sucked.

Today has been the hardest day I have had since this whole process began.

I had an appointment this morning to get an ultrasound and to get a new prescription for Clomid (yey, so excited to be a hormonal mess again, not.) I go to my OBGYN at least 4 times a month, and have always loved that they line every wall with pictures of babies they have delivered. There are hundreds of pictures of babies and their glowing families. It makes me so hopeful and excited and I usually get a little teary at how beautiful they are and imagine a picture of our little one up there someday. Today, this was not the case. I got more than a little teary, I was uncontrollably crying, and it wasn’t because babies are cute. As I sat waiting to have blood drawn and all I had to look at was pictures of these happy, smiling families, I found myself thinking how unfair it was. I was angry and jealous. It felt ugly and I am not proud, but it’s the truth. I just wanted to tear every picture down and tell my doctor she was a cruel, cruel woman.

Who in the world gets so angry at the sight of babies? What is happening to me? I am trying so hard to stay strong and positive, and I know (as I have been told by 5,000 people) that these things take time. But how much time? How long can I “hang in there”? This is only getting harder. I am only getting sadder and more depressed. It’s not fun anymore. I just want to crawl into my bed with a bottle of wine, a pack of cigarettes and cry (although the crying I pretty much do all of the time now anyway, so that wouldn’t be much different). Yes, I am crying now. I am a mess.

I know someday all of this will be worth it, that today is just one bad day and that someday I will see our baby proudly showcased on the walls of my doctor’s office. But, any advice on how to keep from falling apart in the meantime is welcome. I know a lot of you who read this are going through or have gone through this process. Do you have bad days too? Do babies make you cry and not in a good way anymore? Does it ever get easier? Did you ever reach a point where you learned to detach from the process and leave your emotions out of it? Please share.

XO
Cori

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67 Responses to “Feeling a Little Blue.”

  1. kaila August 5, 2011 at 8:18 pm #

    Just keep your head held high and keep Kacy close. Me and my gf will be starting this process soon. And you two are our inspiration.

    • Shannon McCauley August 14, 2011 at 3:08 pm #

      Hello!!

      My name is Shannon, my partner and I have attemped to have a baby every way possible. We did IUI with donor sperm, used a friend’s sperm. Poor guy would have to come over do is part in the bathroom and go back to work. I then gave up for a few years. I was sooo tired of looking for my period every month and watching all my friends have babies that I thought F!@# it and got a convirtable. I was lucky, however I had a son already. I had my son when I was 20 and never wanted him to be an only child like me…long story short at 34 we decided it was now or never. I started with IUI and nothing happened. I was positive and kept my sense of humor. When women would ask me what my problem was, I would say “my wife has a low sperm count” Enough said!!! I decided to do IVF. We were tired, broke and decided one time and then we were DONE!!! I am happy to report we have the most BEAUTIFUL TWIN BOYS!!! I only gained 20lbs had an amazing pregnancy and both our boys were healthy 5.11lbs, and 6.4lbs. We named them Quinn and Brady they are awsome and big brother Cole, who is almost 18 loves them to death. We all have our own road to making our family do not think yours will be like mine or anyone elses!!! Some get knoccked up the first time (lucky bitches) and others have to try a little harder. It is all worth it. A Posaitive attitude and finding the humor when life is shit will get the job done…oh yea. you need sperm too!!!! Good luck

      Shannon McCauley a mother of three and happy!!!!

  2. CourtneyTaylor August 5, 2011 at 8:22 pm #

    Sending you much love & light Cori.

  3. Sarah August 5, 2011 at 8:29 pm #

    My husband and I have been trying for 4 years, and I breakdown the same way. I always feel horrible inside for being jealous when others around me get pregnant so easily. I cry when I see babies, live or in pictures. What I can tell you is that while it is never easy, opening up will help to lesson the burden. Keep the faith, believe in it, and let others help you when you need it. I wish you two the best – you WILL be amazing parents!

  4. Yesenia August 5, 2011 at 8:30 pm #

    Well you know; I am not a mother, I am not planning to be a mother yet; ( I am young 21 yrs) but your story have touch me a lot and I am waiting the day to read YES I’M PREGNANT . But until that moment came all I can say to you is too take one day at a time. Because if you are going to bring back the past to the present It will not help you deal with the future. Live the present and be happy that life have given you this challenge to face with your wife who has always been there with you. Life never gives you more than you can handle. So stay focused and don’t let the tears blow your dreams away. I now that you are a strong women. So stay healthy and I wish you and your wife the best. Hugs and Kisses from Puerto Rico,

  5. Ashley Lauren August 5, 2011 at 8:44 pm #

    I know exactly how you feel. I have been in the same situation. In my doctor’s office I was always the only one who was not pregnant. Once, the ENTIRE WAITING ROOM was FILLED with pregnant women or women with children. It was horrible. On top of that, there were plenty of pictures of beautiful babies everywhere.

    I was going in every couple of months for ultrasounds to track the progress of the fibroids. Every time they had gotten bigger. It was very difficult to be measuring tumors instead of a baby. I can’t tell you how many times I cried. The only thing I could do to calm myself down was tell myself that at least I did not have cancer. At least that the ultrasounds were not measuring something that was going to kill me. It helped.

    You will have good days and bad days. There will be times that it is impossible to hear that one more person is pregnant when it is not happening for you. I thought I was the only one who felt that way. I was so guilty about it. After I began blogging and reading everyone else’s stories, I realized those feelings were much more common than I thought. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel.

    With every new cycle there is new hope. And it will happen for you. The wait is just extremely hard. There aren’t really words for how difficult it is. But when you hold your baby in your arms, and you will, all of these hard times will just be a distant memory. And don’t ever forget that you can count on your friends for support. 🙂 It has meant the world to me to have a network of people that are cheering me on each step of the way. Now, you have the entire country rooting for you.

    Do something nice for yourself. You deserve it.

  6. Candy August 5, 2011 at 9:00 pm #

    I’ve had the same conversation both out loud and in my head. Why me? Why them? Everywhere I looked there were pregnant people. I’d see some girl who looked totally cracked out, smoking a cigarette, 9 months pregnant, and I’d just want to scream, “REALLY? REALLY?”
    Everyone’s journey is different, but for me, I had prayed a thousand prayers, “God, please let me get pregnant! Let this be the time.” One day I had an overwhelming feeling I had been praying the wrong prayer. I really just wanted to be a mommy. Shortly after everything began to fall into place for me and I now have two gorgeous adopted children.
    I can’t give you any words of wisdom, because it’s painful, and it seems unfair, and nothing anyone can say will take that hurt away. I DO know that hindsight is 20/20 and now it is all clear why all of those insemminations didn’t work. They didn’t work because MY children were not born yet and I was totally meant to be their mom.
    I feel like, now, I can’t even think about what would have happened if I had gotten pregnant and not been the mommy of my two kids. They are amazing.
    I wish you luck and peace in wherever your journey takes you. You clearly have a loving partner to travel with!

    • Kathleen August 5, 2011 at 10:01 pm #

      I love your story. It made me smile. Friends of mine had the same thing and ended up with 2 adopted babies and wouldn’t have it any other way. 🙂

  7. Kelly (rock_et_ship - via Instagram) August 5, 2011 at 9:10 pm #

    Just sent this long-winded reply on another of your posts, but I had to send a…YES, I’ve totally been that jealous, angry, tearful, hopeful mom. You are normal and human.

    My best friend and her partner, whom I love, got preggers TWICE on the third Insem try. When I got wind of the 2nd one, I swear I have never felt such unbridled jealously. I actually couldn’t bring myself to talk to her for a day or two for fear I would just burst into tears. Felt horrible, but i had to process. Thankfully it faded. It comes in little waves overall. I have moments where I get all jealous of heteros and all their free sperm! 😉 I could do without all the “easy baby” photos in the Insem office all the time too.

    One thing that actually helps here
    and there, is when my gf and I go to dinner, movies, dancing, whatever , I revel a little in our remaining freedom. One day that stuff can’t happen as easily, or involves babysitters, planning, notes on the fridge and extra cash-o-la.

    And yes, wine. Lots of wine. 😉

  8. Kelly August 5, 2011 at 9:12 pm #

    P.S. ~ You’ll get there! You’ll get there! You’ll get there!

  9. Rachel Quinto August 5, 2011 at 10:03 pm #

    I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better.

    I’m sending you virtual hugs instead.

  10. Cindy August 6, 2011 at 12:59 am #

    First of all *hugs*, I am so sorry you had such a bad day. Second of all, I don’t think your some weirdo that cries at the site of babies b/c you’re a bad person. Those tears and anger do not stem from a jealous or a bad place – they come from how badly you want your baby b/c you and Kacy have so much love to share with your baby. It’s a good thing to want a child so badly that you would go through so much hardship and heartache and such an emotional roller coaster ride. You are already a mother Cori, just look at what you are willing to do for your future child. This is just the worst part of it, but I just know once you hear your baby’s first cry when he/she enters the world and he/she is placed in your arms and your wife looks at you w/ more love and pride than she ever has it will be worth every tear you’ve cried hon. It will be. The relationship you have with Kacy is just too wonderful to not share with a lil one so I believe it has to happen. It would be such an injustice for it not to. And when it does happen you and Kacy need to have a special PO Box set up for all the gays to send you baby stuff b/c you know we will. Lean on Kacy on these bad days b/c she loves you so much. You are lucky to have her, she is lucky to have you, and your baby WILL be lucky to have you both as parents. You both will ROCK out this parenting thing. You both make me so freakin’ proud to be a lesbian and represent us so well. Good lord, now I’m crying, but hopefully you’re not anymore. Peace and love to you both.

  11. Danielle August 6, 2011 at 8:22 am #

    Oh, Cori, I am so sorry. I know exactly how you are feeling and it SUCKS. Two weeks ago I had to go to the doctor’s office for a pregnancy blood test. I had already peed on five trillion sticks and knew I wasn’t pregnant (for the 12th time). Something about the torture of a blood test to prove what I already knew hit me like a ton of bricks and before I knew it, I was standing in the waiting room, surrounded by all those pictures of babies and happy families, and hopeful people in the chairs, and I LOST IT. I was sobbing, and no one looked at me, and I looked at no one.

    It’s almost like every unsuccessful cycle amplifies the pain and devastation. And you never know when it will hit – the anger, the overwhelming grief. It sounds like you are such a positive and upbeat person by nature (me, too), and that makes it even harder to deal when the low points come. Sometimes I just hate everyone and everything, but it does pass and we do go on, because we know we will be parents one day, somehow. You and Kacy WILL get through this, and you WILL have a beautiful family, and that’s what pushes us through the toughest, darkest moments. I think that the struggle helps us appreciate our partners and, one day, our children, even more.

    Give yourself permission to feel whatever you need to feel, without apology or guilt. It’s totally understandable and there are lots of us out here who totally get it. Lots of love and support, Cori. You are going to be an amazing mother! xoxo

  12. Michelle August 6, 2011 at 9:46 am #

    I’m so sorry you are going through this. My husband and I (who both watch the show – only for you gals) have been TTC our 2nd for 5 months and while I know it’s not a long time, I’ve been very depressed recently. We started our journey for #2 a year ago, and were lucky to conceive last November. I would have been due 10 days from today but we sadly lost our little girl in February and haven’t been able to conceive since.

    We are rooting for you girls and wishing you love and luck in the coming months. Hang on, it will happen. My friend just found out she is pregnant after her 2nd cycle of clomid (after trying for 1 year). My sister and her partner (I have two lesbian sisters) are about to start the process and I sent her the link to your blog. Thanks for being adorable and an inspiration to all couples, gay and straight. Xo. My blog link to my struggles and my story is below.

  13. thelittlestc August 6, 2011 at 9:48 am #

    Hi, Cori:
    My partner and I watched the second season of the Real L Word (as we did the first) and can relate to you and your wife’s pregnancy adventure. I started blogging about our pregnancy when I knew many friends and family would have questions about the whole process (my partner and I started off trying to adopt). We were pretty fragile when we weren’t having a successful time and I commend you for documenting your journey. Many good thoughts your way from Lewisburg, PA.

  14. Wendy August 6, 2011 at 9:49 am #

    Cori,
    Everything that you are experiencing emotionally is absolutely normal and natural. Don’t be so hard on yourself. This is a journey and in the end, you will quickly realize it was all worth it :). Hang in there!
    xxoo

  15. hopefullyblue August 6, 2011 at 10:10 am #

    Cori,

    I know this can be hard for you but if there was no bad then people wouldn’t know there was any good or great. I know your thinking why me but maybe you were chosen because of how strong you are and with your wife how strong your relationship is. I believe that we will get some good news from you one day I really do hope so like I said previously you two are me and my gf inspiration and just look at it that way. It is hard on you but you have a lot of people looking up to you and for inspiration. Maybe give us a day to day info about what happened and what were going through. Your followers can be your way to vent;)

  16. Liz August 6, 2011 at 2:27 pm #

    Yes there are good days and bad. I still don’t know which 2 week process is worse: the lead up to ovulation or the 2 weeks that follow. Or worse yet, the 2 weeks after a positive pregnancy test before you see a heartbeat. What if you don’t see one?! Been there, done that… Trying to have a baby is incredibly difficult and taxing. So many people don’t get it – and so few do. Your experiences are real and validated. Feel everything. Why? Because you can. Because it’s what you’re feeling. You’re gonna get a lot of advice, but I guess all I can say is that you’re normal and not losing it. 🙂 you will be okay (part of it is, I’m sure, drug related) but you will be okay. We are here for you- even if it’s
    In spirit. We understand your plight and are here for you!! Don’t be afriad to vent. 🙂

    Liz and Tricia

  17. Ryann August 6, 2011 at 3:00 pm #

    I can’t even imagine how hard this must be for you and Kacy. My finacee and I are going to try to start a family probably next year some time and the thought scares the crap out of me. But I know that we will be able to get through whatever life throws at us because we love each other and are going through it together. When you and Kacy look at each other you can tell that there is a ridiculous amount of love in your hearts. I am more spiritual than religious and there is not a doubt in my mind that you and Kacy WILL have a baby. You deserve it, plain and simple. So just have faith, hope, or whatever you believe in. Just take a breath and know that it’ll be alright. 🙂

    Ryann

  18. Laura August 6, 2011 at 3:56 pm #

    I completely understand the anger and jealousy. I had a miscarriage last year while two of my close friends were pregnant. I had a lot of the “why me”s. Its completely normal. Now I have a beautiful 3 month old baby boy. You will have a whole lot of emotions and its all normal and you just have to work through it. Keep your head up and keep positive.

  19. Summer August 6, 2011 at 6:24 pm #

    Cori,

    My wife and I are in the beginning stages of TTC (we’ve only done two cycles) and I can understand how you feel. I see teenage moms and I get furious, don’t they know how hard it is for us and how lucky they are?! It’s crazy. But you are totally not alone in feeling sad/angry in situations like that. I’m thinking of you and hope to hear some good news soon! 🙂

  20. ashez728 August 6, 2011 at 7:46 pm #

    I have not been through this situation but I think your reaction is completely normal. This is a very tough process and very emotional on you and Kacy. Try to stay as positive as possible and keep that wonderful wife of yours close to you. Lean on her. Talk about what is going on with your crazy emotions. I really hope all of the positive thoughts, energy, and prayers being sent your way help in the baby creating process in the very near future.

  21. Mrs. Usery August 6, 2011 at 9:13 pm #

    I would skip the OBGYN and go find a fertility doctor asap. I would skip Clomid or maybe try one more month and go to the injections too. Some people don’t do well on Clomid, and I was NOT one of them. We are almost a year into this process, and almost every single friend I have has gotten pregnant this year. Two WITHOUT trying the month I miscarried. I was happy for them but wanted to scream at my ovaries. Sometimes, I ask them, “what’s wrong with you two?” I know it’s pathetic to talk to your ovaries, but……………….
    A fertility doctor can help you in a lot of ways and do tests to at least ease your mind. My gf and I have been through two different ones now as I am very impatient when things don’t get done in a timely manner (aka getting pregnant). I think you are doing the best thing by blogging your feelings. Just know that you are NOT alone in this. I have had friends of mine tell me that God was probably not allowing us to have a baby because my gf and I were together. I replied, “Well crack heads get pregnant all the time.” But it hurt so much nonetheless. It was right after my second unsuccessful IUI, and at Thanksgiving. Don’t feel bad about breaking down in the doctor’s office. I cry everytime I go for a follicle scan. I even yelled at my right ovary one time. I am sure that the office staff wanted to have me committed, but I tell them it is the Gonal-F talking. 🙂 I have dubbed myself Infertile Myrtle. Just keep laughing. If you don’t laught about it then you’ll curl up into a ball and self destruct. Now instead of holding my hand during an insemination, my gf says to the ultra sound screen, “Just keep swimming” 🙂 Maybe we all need to start our own “Can’t get pregnant Support Group” I am in the dreaded tww right now, and I almost bit the cashier’s head off at JC Penny. Good luck to you, and good luck to ALL of you out there who are in the same boat. It’s a HELL of a ride. 🙂

    E

  22. Mrs. Usery August 6, 2011 at 9:25 pm #

    Oh and one more thing, the one month I DID get pregnant I got the doctor to do my IUI a day before we had orginally planned because we got a smiley face. See I wasn’t getting smiley faces on my OPKs until I started testing two times a day. Well he insisted it was a “false positive”, but I started hurting, and I was insistent with my gf that we needed to go ahead and try. I told her that he is a man and he has never ovulated before. He didn’t like that answer and was a little snarky, but he told me we would do it if that’s what I wanted. I took my Ovidrel shot that afternoon and went in for my IUI the next morning. That was the month it actually worked even though we miscarried. I learned from that to trust myself more than them. He kept saying, “well standard protocol is this this and this.” My gf politely told him, “Well she isn’t standard protocol.” You’ll get there. We all will even if it is with IVF which is our next step if this month is a bust. 🙂

    E

  23. Keri August 7, 2011 at 4:23 am #

    I am at the point where if I hear “keep your chin up” or “hang in there” I’m going to punch the next person! That’s why we’ve stopped telling people when we go for the next iui because it’s too hard to hear “think positive” during the two week wait and, in turn, is far too difficult to hear all the other stuff after a negative test.

    I agree with the obgyn pictures…don’t they realize that not everyone who walks through those doors want to see baby pictures smiling back at us? I find not only wanting to tear down all the pictures but I’m also SO bitter at the pregnant women waddling in!

    I cry at the drop of a hat these days…Pampers commericals and of course all of the stupid teen mom drama showcased on MTV. I’m trying to turn my feelings around and think “this will happen for me someday” but somedays it’s hard.

    We are trying again this week but an at-home method with fresh sperm. A dear friend of ours knew that we were going through some tough times financially and he’s moving soon so he said this is the greatest thing he could do for us. Again, I cried, so did my partner, Jen, who never cries. I’m not getting my hopes up that this will work but it’s worth a shot.

    Even though we are stranger friends, you and Kaci have been a huge part of my life for 8-9 weeks now and I feel this weird connection because on the other side of the country someone else, another lesbian couple, is going through what we are going through.

    I started a blog when we started the process. It’s more of a day-to-day journal of events and feelings and symptoms that weren’t anything. Then I always tend to stop blogging after a negative test. The link is below. Thank you again for sharing your story and here’s too being mommies.

    Keri & Jen
    Old Town, ME
    http://jk2005thenextchapter.blogspot.com/

  24. Krista Martinez August 7, 2011 at 11:22 am #

    I have those feelings all the time! I have gotten to the point that I avoid facebook and some of my friends because I feel like I cant handle on more person telling me they are pregnant or showing of their new baby. I feel horrible for being so jealous but some days I just cant do it.

  25. Christy Tarr August 7, 2011 at 2:12 pm #

    #1. You’re reaction is NOT crazy.
    #2 Try a stress reducing exersize like Yoga 🙂

  26. Jen Mills August 7, 2011 at 2:18 pm #

    I haven’t been through what you are experiencing so I won’t even pretend to know what your pain feels like. Here’s what I do know:

    1. You have such an amazing support system…loving wife, awesome friends

    2. When it does happen, you will appreciate it so much more given the journey you are taking

    3. How can two people with so much love NOT be blessed with a child, no matter how conceived?

    Hang in there…I’ll be keeping the two of you in my thoughts.

  27. pamela coates August 7, 2011 at 4:59 pm #

    It will all be alright. Yes it does take time and it will be worth it in the end. Just keep your faith and believe God does have a plan for yall to have a baby in yalls life and he hears your prayers.if u have stop smoking don’t start upagain it only makesit harder. Light a candle everyday and everynight and just listen with your heart and mind and believe. I wish I could say it is easy but I can’t, but I can say when you finaly see and hear the heart beat of your baby the tears will flow with joy and happiness. Just keep the faith.

  28. Ellie August 7, 2011 at 5:18 pm #

    Hi Cori, my wife and I had a donor who was a friend, he came to stay with us for our 3 fertile days and we did it all ourselves at home,(partly because clinics in Ireland dont help lesbian couples) the first time we did it it didn’t work so I know that feeling of devastation when the test is negative and your period comes. Fortunately for us the second time around I got pregnant! I know I am truly blessed and lucky. Our daughter is nearly 4 now :)We were supposed to try for our second baby 2 years ago using the same friend but a month before we were to start trying he backed out so we were back to square one. I was crushed! I adore my daughter and if she is the only child I ever have I will truly be blessed! But I have a yearning I can’t explain for another baby it’s like I can hear him or her out there in the universe calling to me but I can’t get to my baby without sperm.. Luckily were in the uk now and they do help lesbians in clinics ( although I would rather do it at home) so fingers crossed we can start the process late this year or early next year! It’s super expensive here as well.. About £1500 a try so we need to keep saving for it! Anyway I wasn’t coming on here to share my life story ha I just wanted to tell you that I feel for you and have you and kacy in my thoughts! I am sending good vibes into the universe that your baby will find you 🙂 lots of love to you and kacy xx ellie

  29. hope August 7, 2011 at 5:25 pm #

    Dear cori I’m not goin icing it for u its not easy I tried for 4 yrs nd just whn I was abt to give up I conceived my daughter the best advice I can give to sweetie is to just let go dnt let it consume u or ur life with kasy good luck to the both of u nd keep me in the loop

  30. Melissa Hernandez August 7, 2011 at 5:41 pm #

    The way you are feeling and what you are going through I’ve been there and I can relate. My partner and I are from texas and I don’t have any lesbian friends. Much less anyone who’s has gone or is going through this. We have tried 5 times and they have been unsuccessful. I had a lot of bad days. Days where I thought about giving up. This process is very emotional. No it doesn’t get easier but it helps when you know that in the end everything you go through will all be worth it. Detatching from the process and leaving your feelings out of, well that’s not going to happen either. It is very emotional but all you can do is keep trying cause if you give up your dreams of being a mom will never come true. Hang in there. Know that you are not alone. Good luck to you and kacy. I wish you both the best!!

  31. Lauren and Rebecca August 7, 2011 at 6:28 pm #

    Thank you so much for your blog. I know you guys don’t know me but for weeks you have been in our living room and we have rooted for you and cheered for you. My partner and I have 2 little ones 8 and 2 a boy and a girl and your story reminds me of how lucky I am to have them. We tried numerous times for her to get pregnant with our son until we finally had to quit and take an emotional break from it all. Then when we started again POOF preggo on the first try back at it. What I have learned from that is though is maybe god or whatever the presence bigger than ourselves must have known better than us. During our waiting period I changed jobs her health improved and we have the sweetest little boy we could have asked for. I do not know how we would have turned out had we been successful the first go around…all I know is when the time was right everything fell into place just how it is today. I am sure you both will be the most wonderful, gracious and loving parents to the little soul that is waiting for your patience to join you. I hope you continue your blog so I can continue to share in your journey. Baby dust*

  32. Taina Peralta August 8, 2011 at 6:27 am #

    Hey Cori I just want to start off by saying that I love you and Kacy! What you are feeling is so normal the fact that it is hard for you to get pregnant is a form of grief for you and the stages of the grieving process does apply to what your going through right now. You were in shock and disbelief that it didn’t happen the first time around, eventhough you knew it was possible that it wouldn’t happen the first time around. You are going through pain because you just want it to happen already! In that pain you got mad and angry about it not working out the way you want and inturn had these thoughts, but it is normal to lash out like that. At least you feel guilty cuz it shows that you really didnt mean it. I’m saying all this cuz even though you go through bad stages in the “stages of grief” there is an upturn to it which is acceptance. In your case it is not the acceptance of not getting pregnant but the fact it’ll take time but it will happen. In a simpler way to explain what I’m trying to say is when you just let go and not obssess about the idea of getting pregnant you will become more relaxed. Doctors say when you are too stressed while trying to become pregnant it can get in the way of the treatments. Being stressed is a hormonal driven reaction that can hinder fertility. I know its hard but go about your day as if your not trying to get pregnant do things that u used to do before trying to getpregnant like laughing more, spending time around loving friends goin out to dinner more, exercising whatever. How do you think straight girls get pregnant so fast lol cuz they go about there day as if they are not trying to get pregnant and are less stresswd then us lesbos! (Lucky bitches) lol just try and let go hun good things happen to good people and sometimes it takes time. Good luck hun! 🙂

  33. JessLif August 8, 2011 at 6:46 am #

    I don’t have any words of wisdom to offer, as my partner and I have only just begun the adoption process, I know our heartbreaks and breakdowns are still yet to come. But, I have to say that I think you and Kacy are incredibly brave, incredibly real, and incredibly honest. As one who has lived much of my life denying my own feelings, I know that when you are honest about your feelings, when you accept them, when you allow yourself to really feel them, only then do you have the chance to move on from them to better feeling feelings. I think you should allow yourself some time to breakdown, no one can be positive all of the time. Anyway, like I said, I am no expert, but I am a huge supporter of you both and think that you have give us all something to look up to. So go ahead and have your breakdown, eat away your feelings, and then you will be ready to get back into a good space and move forward in your journey. In the meantime, enjoy the hot cheetos!

  34. Rita Saenz August 8, 2011 at 9:39 am #

    I know this is irrelevant but, almost 2 years ago me and my girlfriend started dating. She was a freshman and I was a junior. I recently graduated and she started school today as a junior. Over the past 2 years we have dated we have had so much to go through. Her parents didn’t accept the fact we were together at all. So for the first year and a half or so we kept it a secret until someone close betrayed us and showed the parents stuff from FB. We couldn’t deny it anymore.. We were caught. I was relieved we didnt have to hide it anymore but scared of the reaction. They had been told by so called friends of ours before but it had never been believed they would just have the talk with us which we got quite a few times about how us would not be allowed and I couldn’t see or feel for her that way. My mother and father always excepted her so she never felt what I felt. Everytime I stepped in her house I felt judged and not wanted. Well this last time it was worse.. I went days without seeing her and it tore me apart. They really meant we couldn’t see each other. Everyday she would cry. And I would cry because I felt helpless that I couldn’t help her. For our whole relationship all I wanted was to be accepted by her family and slowly but surely it’s happening. I hope that my story gives you hope to never give up because I never gave up and I’m still blessed with her love and slowly but surely things are getting better. We have the obstacle of her being in school without me for 2 more years but I’ll be attending college and after what we’ve been through I’m pretty sure we can make it. If you ever need anything I have y’all on Facebook, Rita Saenz. I’d be glad to help.

    Sincerely, Rita..

  35. N. Baker August 8, 2011 at 1:02 pm #

    Cory- Keep your head up girl! I’m sure you’ve heard that so much and it’s so much of a cliche’ actually, but I truly mean it. The desire to conceive a child & actually doing so as a lesbian is something I can understand and have DONE. 4 times! Yes, I have 4 beautiful children with my partner of 11 years and each and everytime it was a completely different experience. The first 3 were a piece of cake opposed to our fourth, but soooooo worth the wait. Our 3 oldest are boys and when I finally got my partner to agree to try once more for a girl, we jumped on that the ride of our life. At the time I was not expecting such a roller coaster because our first three were conceived first try! BAM, just like that. Anyway….we ordered 4 vials, did 4 cycles of insemination and our agreement was if it was meant to be it will be. So we agreed that if we ran out of sperm…THAT was it! It was heartbreaking! For us both. Even though we agreed, somehow the both of us just couldn’t turn back and stop. So we got back online decided to try a different donor because what we’ve learned is that some sperm is just not a good match “chemically” with some womens bodies. Believe me…I’ve become a lesbian fertility expert! I started the CLOMID and chalked it up to me being “30” at that time and thought….oh my they weren’t kidding! Things change as you age. It was soooooooooo emotional, so frustrating and I felt so selfish as I already had 3 beautiful boys at home to be thankful for! We ordered 3 more vials with that second donor and tried another cycle, do luck and then we did our second cycle (which in all was number 6 and GIRL! IT HAPPENED! We actually have one vial still being stored (not that I’m even thinking about another. 4 is plenty at the moment and with me raising the kids 9 months out of the year alone because my partners work takes her away, it’s a challenge.) While taking the clomid, I did reflexology & the robitussin thing too, which I had done with all the other 3, but didn’t do the first 4 cycles with our daughter! YUP…and to make it so much more of a blessing…we got our girl!!! I’m sure you’ve heard many stories like this, but I hope and pray that somewhere between all these lines of positive energy and sincerity that you somehow can stop, take a deep breath and feel deep within your heart that when its time for that beautiful bundle to choose you, he/she will. I know I’m just another woman out there leaving a comment, but I am a woman who understands inside & out what you are experiencing right now. If ever you need an ear, have a question or need someone to vent to with all thos raging hormonal imbalances you’re trying to dodge….I’m your girl, no doubt. My children Christian Isaiah-11, Jayden Joseph-6, Leehen Isaac-4 and Bella Sarai-2 along with my partner and I are all thinking about you and Kacey and sending all our baby love your way. Making the baby is just the beginning of an amazing ride…..the roller coaster of parenthood has only just begun! Stay strong girl, I know its hard. Take care sweetie.

  36. Monica Morrison August 8, 2011 at 2:24 pm #

    I can only imagine what you must feel like. I’m a mother of two and I had my moments where I felt like it was going to take forever. I was depressed too and feeling like when is my time. Though I don’t know you personally, I know in my heart your time will come and when that happens both you and your wife are going to be wonderful parents. Its too bad there’s not a lot of people out there that don’t realise the gift of being able to have a child. I think a lot of people take it for granted and it sickens me when you see these women have kids they don’t care for. Its people like yourself that derserve to be a mother. I will keep you and kacy in my prayers.

  37. Brittany Lawrence August 8, 2011 at 3:37 pm #

    Positive thoughts and love to you and Kacy. It’s okay to feel how you feel.

  38. ChelseaMama August 8, 2011 at 6:28 pm #

    Your story has brought tears to my eyes on more than one occasion because i have been through all of this myself. As a 30-year old lesbian, i thought i’d have no trouble getting pregnant. To my surprise, it took us 1 1/2 years, an 10+ failed inseminations, several different drugs/ medications/ treatments. I eventually conceived via IVF, which at the time felt like a failure since i had been hoping to use a minimum of interventions, but our 2-year old son is absolutely the best thing that has ever happened to me, my wife and our entire families. Having been through this same tortuous process, i want you to know that i would do it all over again 10-fold if i had to because it has been such an amazing, rewarding and wonderful to become moms and to have him in our lives.

    My piece of (unsolicited) advice is, 1) hang in there and do whatever you have to do to get through this difficult time, (take a break for a few months, drink too much red wine — my personal preference, enjoy your freedom before you are tied to napping and feeding schedules, etc) and 2) DONT go to an OB/GYN. In NYC there are several centers for reproductive medicine (i.e. infertility clinics) affiliated with major hospitals and i assume there must be the same thing in LA. You’ll be around all women who are going through the exact same thing as you, some with thicker charts than you, and all equally miserable to be sitting there at 7am on a sunday morning. (i frankly would have become criminally insane if i had to sit next to a woman with a big swollen belly while i was awaiting yet another ultrasound). Also at these centers, their specialty is GETTING you pregnant, then they pass you off to the OB once their job is done.

    That’s my 2 cents. Good luck!!!!!!

  39. Keri August 8, 2011 at 7:02 pm #

    I not only cry over the baby photos at the OBGYN but I’m bitter when the pregnant women keep waddling into the waiting room. I find myself changing the channel when Pampers commericals come on, when pregnancy test commercials come on, and I just want to scream at all the teen mom drama on MTV.

    My partner and I are on our third try. We had 2 failed iui cycles (2 vials each). Now we are using a known donor, fresh sperm, at home. I can only hope that this will work.

    I too began a blog when I started the insemination process, it’s very detailed but hopefully, once I’m sitting in my rocker with a sleeping baby in my arms, I’ll be able to sit back and read it and think “wow, I made it”. It tends to get a little detailed and sometimes graphic but it’s what I was feeling and going through. Ironically, after each negative pregnancy test, I stopped blogging. I’m back again with this new process. Check it out if you’re bored…lol…http://jk2005thenextchapter.blogspot.com

    Peace, Love & Baby Dust
    -Keri

  40. Jordan S August 9, 2011 at 7:40 am #

    Keep your head up and it will happen when the time is right. I get that jealous feeling but its not about babies its when I see all these happy couples and I just want to find my happy ending! But I remind myself when the timing is right everything will fall into place:)

  41. Shelby D August 9, 2011 at 11:11 am #

    You guys are wonderful and loving and I hope that you are able to have a child one day. I feel very lucky to have had a glimpse of your lives on the Real L Word. My husband and I have been trying to have a child for 10 years now (10 years as of Saturday August 6th to be exact but who’s counting). I had the exact anger and jealousy when I saw someone who was pregnant and was extremely jealous of my sister when she became pregnant. I couldn’t understand why they could get pregnant and here I was with nothing. I questioned what I did wrong in my life for this to not happen. I would get so mad when I would hear about girls I went to high school with who were now drug users with 4 children and have had several abortions. We went to doctors, took hormones…the works. Unfortunately, in 2008 we had to stop IVF because we were not able to afford it. We are at peace now that we will probably not have children and are fine that we will live our lives with just the 2 of us. We are best friends and are very satisfied with that. We tell everyone that we will just be the best aunt and uncle ever. And of course I love my sister’s children more than anything in the world!

  42. Vanessa August 9, 2011 at 5:08 pm #

    I feel ur ANGER! my sister is the worlds biggest mess right now, and she “accidentally” got knocked up twice..first one she kept, second one is in the talks of aborting the fetus. Pjsses me off that kacy can’t just blow her load in u and knock ur ass up. Ohhh the humanity!!! Hope ur PREGO soon. =]

  43. hillary August 9, 2011 at 5:51 pm #

    Dear Cori,

    We are on reruns here of the show, so I’m not sure when it actually was the episode we watched. It was a week ago this past Monday..I sobbed for the two of you. I cried till I couldn’t cry anymore. My husband was sad too and just held my hand.

    You see, we feel a million more times over than I can express here for the two of you. For the last 9 years we have tried to have a child, our plan was to be on our third by now…and nothing. I’ve had more tests done, been poked and prodded….on many meds…and we wait. We to hate seeing pictures, hearing friends great news, I avoid baby showers at all costs…I understand the journey your on is so hard. Don’t give up!

    I’m Canadian, our drugs are different but have they mentioned metformin to you? You can in some cases take it with clomid – I’m not at the clomid part yet – but it got a dear friend of mine pregnant.

    Regardless, you both have touched us, your not alone, its the hardest thing I’ve ever delt with in life.. but it doesn’t always happen right off, your both close in our thoughts… Were rooting for you both!!!

    The Canadians:)

  44. Cassie Saiz August 9, 2011 at 8:31 pm #

    Yes this is very common to feel this way. It is a hard road and full of ups and downs. If you would like a outlet try the TTC community on YT they are great girls and very understanding of everything.

  45. Hannah Edwards August 9, 2011 at 9:59 pm #

    No sure what to say to make it better but I know how you feel. After my partner had a miscarriage I cried for no reason at the drop of a hat for months. I to find myself getting angry at seeing new babies and really jealous of friends getting pregnant and I too feel awful for having those thoughts. I just try to stay positive. Keep thinking it will happen eventually and know that there are people worse off. Not that any of that is particularly helpful but whatever gets you through.

  46. Tara F August 9, 2011 at 10:04 pm #

    I love you and your wife so much. You guys where the most real people on this season of the L word. I have dated both men and women throughout my life but I ended up marrying a man(its been almost 10 years now). We just recently found out that I am not able to have children. I cant tell you the emotions that coursed through me when I heard the diagnosis(mostly anger). Just remember that it could be worse Cory you could not be capable of having babies… But you are and I know for a fact that your time will come. I will be praying for you and your wife every night until god brings you a soul to look after. Please remember to take it a day at a time(I know its easier said then done). You also have to allow yourself to have bad days. It happens to everyone.

  47. Nicki August 10, 2011 at 8:00 am #

    For me, I had to exhaust EVERY possible outlet before I was going to give up. It’s different for everyone. Only you will know when you’ve had ‘enough’ or want to keep going. A lot of emotions are at the surface, and a lot of this has to do with the added hormones that you are taking to stimulate egg production…just keep this in mind, and what is supposed to happen, will. ❤

  48. Nella August 10, 2011 at 9:37 am #

    Kacy retweeted my message to her (to you both). Yesterday, after 8 months, we learnt, my girlfriend and I, that there are finaly a little baby in my womb ! I tried Clomid about 2 months after the first try and… NADA then I stopped and about 3 months later I tried again to take Clomid. And in 3 months: BOOM a baby !
    4 tries. Keep believing, I was not supposed to be a “fruitful woman”, I had problems before starting the process… I smoked and I didn’t had a great health etc… so… keep believing!

  49. Vyolet August 10, 2011 at 10:51 am #

    I hear Maca Root helps with fertility…and it’s really affordable I wish you both the best of luck I’ll be trying soon and hope to we both get the family we dream of

  50. Chloë August 10, 2011 at 11:25 am #

    Dear Cori,
    I live in France, have watched The Real L Word and I have seen you & Kacy go through some of all the process. All your ups and downs. Many people have maybe already told you, but never forget that even without a cute bundle of joy, you have a beautiful wife who loves and supports you. And you already very very lucky to have that. True love is rare.
    And to keep happy, I can only suggest what works for me : sunshine -lots of it- . Close your eyes and just feel your skin warm up, forget everything. Just for a few seconds and remember how much love & support you have.
    I wish you happiness.
    P.s. : get a kitten too, that could make you happy too! 🙂 xxx

  51. Cg McGee August 10, 2011 at 12:28 pm #

    I wanted, needed, SO badly for your story to have a happy ending on the show. my partner and i have been in this process for a year now. i am convinced that this will be the month for us, and for you. we will be baby buddies together. this is the month. first we will be clomid and hgc buddies, hormones and all. i start my round on sunday … good luck and may the universe believe that this is our time!!!!!

  52. Beth Morris August 10, 2011 at 4:40 pm #

    Hang in there Cori I feel your pain. My wife Julie and I just found out IUI #3 was unsuccessful but we are going to keep on trying. Think about that love you want to spread to your children and how negative feelings will hardly remain in your memory.

    Think good thoughts and that go get em attitude!

    Best of luck,
    Beth

  53. hope August 10, 2011 at 7:10 pm #

    Cori hunny this is natural my husband and I is going thru the very same thing its difficult like u nd a few others I avoid baby showers I bawl when I hear of other friends news nd I get disgusted whn I see ppl who don’t deserve children I made the mistake of having a tubal done after my son was born nd now I regret it everyday sweetie keep ur head held high and keep kasy close it will happen darlin I’m praying to the gods & goddesses everyday for u both ❤

  54. Elizabeth Fawkes (@NurseFawkes) August 10, 2011 at 9:22 pm #

    Hey Cori, I feel like I’m behind the times because it has been a few days since your post…
    But, I feel for you so much! I don’t think there is any way to detach yourself from the process because YOU ARE YOUR HORMONES! We were just saying tonight how we hate it that we can’t control our actions, reactions, feelings, etc when it they are driven by hormones. Then amplify that even more by taking clomid and you have a hot mess!
    I used to go to the fertility clinic and feel like I was the only lesbian who was in the place (I probably was) and look around that waiting room and feel mad at the women there who had their unlimited sperm source sitting next to them. I was sort of mad at our friends who conceived on their first try. It is easy to get mad when you want something so badly and it is expensive and emotionally draining. Have you tried doing a hysterosalpingogram yet? It is where they push contrast dye up through your cervix to look at your uterus and fallopian tubes. I did one and felt better having a visual of my junk, plus my MD told me sometimes is flushes out the tubes and helps the egg travel down more easily. I got pregnant after that.
    Hang in there! Sending positive vibes your way.
    Love you guys

  55. Elizabeth Fawkes (@NurseFawkes) August 10, 2011 at 9:26 pm #

    P.S.
    And then while I was pregnant, the hormones made me cry.
    And after I had the baby, the hormones made me cry.
    It doesn’t really get easier, it just changes.
    That probably doesn’t make you feel better now, but it is funny

  56. Hilz August 11, 2011 at 12:26 am #

    cori and kacy, you guys are amazing! my girlfriend of 9 months (today) introduced me to the show about a week ago and by watching you guys you really have brought us closer together. i think after seeing how someone else shows their feelings and handles their hard times and good times in a same sex relationship it really taught me alot that i needed to know. before her i was very new but also very in love with her and everyone but her at the time saw that… I had a very difficult time showing and expressing how i felt .so when we moved in together we kinda fell apart but when we got some distance we have really gotten a chance to understand each other . by seeing your relationship it has really …finally set a standard of where i want to be with her. and i really just wanted to say we’re cheering for you …and thank you. i see from a new perspective because of both of you and i really appreciate you sharing your journey with us . I think about you guys everyday and really hope for the best in your future. Good luck and thanks again 🙂
    -Hilz (atl. ga)

  57. Mary Wood-Schorg (@Cricket9696) August 11, 2011 at 2:05 am #

    I normally never reply or post to anything but I felt I had to this time. I have 3 beautiful children but by a previous relationship. I was very young and put 2 of my children up for adoption and my step dad and mother raised my oldest son. I will never understand how they were able to help with one but not the other two. Its a long story but it leads up to my mother “trying to help me” since I was so young and found homes for my two youngest until I could get my life together. And that temporary situation lead up to them being adopted in a so called open adoption. Something happened shortly after I signed the papers and we lost contact until a couple of years ago. Theres alot more to that story but I won’t bore you with that.

    Before the adoptions were final I met my husband. He met and loved my kids, all three of them. But of course he wanted kids of his own. So years after the adoption and before I found my kids again, we started on the road you are on now. We had tests done and it seemed there was a problem for both of us. He was a construction worker in Texas and the heat was the first reason we got on why he had a low sperm count, then it was caffine, then the actually did surgery on his twin friends to help a bit more but still did not help. I had surgery after a sonogram to check my tubes and I saw the sonogram and knew one of my tubes was fine as the dye they used flowed fine on the screen I was watching. And told the Dr. to not remove both of my tubes. Anyway he removed them both saying they were to scarred to ever try and have a baby on our own and they became scarred from my apendix rupturing after a E.R. Dr. sent me home 3 times saying I just had a bad UTI.

    We finally stopped trying since we could not afford what the Dr. wanted us to do. But the worst was everyone telling me .. well at least you were able to have 3 children. I wanted to scream at them every time I heard that. I wanted a big family. During that adoption process I kept getting told .. Don’t worry your young and you can have more babies when your more settled down or older. People do not understand how hard it is to try and then find out it did not happen this month. To lose a child that you never had in the first place. To grieve for a baby that is not there and never was there. Only a ghost remains of the hope that it worked this time, only to find out it didn’t. And to have everyone tell you not to worry it will happen, just give it time.

    Now I am much older. And my husband lives in Texas with his girlfriend and I live in Chicago with my girlfriend. ( Its the perfect marriage lol ) I still grieve for the child I could not give my husband when that was the only thing he truely wanted.

    Anyway there is a small part of my story. And yes I know your anger and hurt. I wish someone could make it happen for you sooner than later.

  58. Jens2BD August 11, 2011 at 4:50 am #

    We’re a step behind you so we can’t say we know what you’re going through and we don’t want to say what the rest of the world is saying (you probably want to scream when you hear it – hang in there or keep your head up) so all we can say is that cherish what you do have right now rather than focusing on what you don’t have. Hold your wife tight to your heart, take a break from all the why’s and when’s, do something special for yourself, for you both, and just don’t give up. Keep believing that when it’s supposed to happen, it will. And it will. And if in a few months my wife and I are feeling the same way, please remind us of our words here 🙂 Sending lots of hope, love and prayers your way. We’ll toss a special lily for you and Kaci when we have our fertility pool party in a couple weeks to kick off our first attempt with insemination. You both are in our thoughts. xoxo

  59. Hillary Lauren Campbell August 11, 2011 at 10:55 pm #

    when i was 18, i had to go the doctor. at which point i was told i will probably never beable to carry children because my body seems to be too weak. no i was not trying but with other stuff going on with my body, it would not be likely. almost two years later, i delivered a healthy baby boy and not even two years later i delivered another healthy baby boy. i dont think we can ever really plan to have babies, we can just try and try until god tells us its the right time 🙂 stay strong. i know you two will be amazing parents 🙂

  60. Jen&Cori August 11, 2011 at 11:13 pm #

    It’s completely part of your journey to get mad and sad and condused and wanna give up. You have to go through being weak to come out strong. I’m not going to try to give you any positive words right now. You deserve this time to be down and feel angry. Tomorrow or within the next couple of days, get back up put your gloves on and start fighting this again.

  61. wendy August 14, 2011 at 8:38 pm #

    Well you just be angry and upset if you want to ! Sometimes you don’t want a pep talk . Sometimes you just need to have your feelings .

  62. medea August 18, 2011 at 11:52 am #

    I know this isn’t the same….but I had a miscarriage on my first pregnancy. I remember sitting in the office waiting on a blood draw to tell me the “final” news. I glared at every pregnant woman, hating her rounded belly. I hated every face in ever baby picture and even found myself being like “your baby is ugly, like you” WTF. i think it’s normal. it’s normal to feel left out or pissed on by life.

    I know you probably won’t read this, but i have to say….don’t shut down. These emotions will define you not only as a woman, but as a mother. They will all fuel you later when you won’t take the blessings for granted. These down days and feelings of hopelessness will be validated when you see the + for the first time and then PANIC like you never have.

    Although I’m not a lesbian, I hope my words have given you a little reason to feel better. I cried at a few moments of your show – because your love is so strong. You’re the bravest girl on that show (and Kacy too). Your love was the envy of all. Even a straight girl like me. Hang on to that. When you feel your grip slipping – hang on to that girl.

    -katie

  63. Chrissy and Bridget August 18, 2011 at 4:32 pm #

    it is hard, our first daughter was the first try, then while trying for number two it took 3 years and lots of Clomid. For those three years I hated pregnate people. Everytime someone walked past with the cute baby bump i would look at my partner and she would tell me not to say it. It was not actual hate for the person but hate for the fact i couldn’t seem to make it work. It’s not my best feature but i figured sharing might make you feel less guilty not liking the baby photos at the office!

    It will happen, maybe not the way or time period you want but one day you will be comforting other gals in the same boat!

    Much love and fertile luck!

  64. Nicole August 18, 2011 at 4:48 pm #

    I know you possibly won’t get a chance to read this but here goes….

    Hi Cori,

    You sound just like me two months ago. My fiance and I have been trying to conceive our second child for 18 months (the fact that we are a heterosexual couple would make it easier, yes? No.) my ovaries had stopped working due to the depo-provera injection, and we were about to commence clomid as I was getting so depressed and upset that I feared another nervous breakdown.

    After 18 long months, I found out on the 11th of August that we are pregnant. I cried, my fiance cried and to read what you wrote in this post was almost like what I blogged two months ago.

    I know that the process is long, and the heartache of seeing babies pictures on the wall, but NEVER GIVE UP. Your dream will come true. If you have a healthy reproductive system, healthy ovaries – one little sperm (or maybe 2!) WILL take hold and you and Kacy will become parents. I have every faith that you will, and couldn’t think of anyone more deserving of some happy news.

    Keep well and try and stay positive.

    Nic xxx

  65. David Glassner August 18, 2011 at 5:58 pm #

    It’s all very familiar. You should really feel free to call Jenna anytime, and hopefully we can all go out soon and catch up. XOXO

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